(Dis)Comfort TV #4: The 7 Most Intimidating Classic TV Characters

 

Now that Halloween is here, you may have had your fill of silly scary shows, and are ready for the real thing. If you prefer to celebrate the holiday with the most frightening, most despicable, most intimidating characters ever to appear on a classic TV show, here they are.

Aunt Fran

Family Affair

“Oh, come on,” you say. “There were no scary villains on Family Affair.” But let’s take a closer look at Aunt Fran. An adorable six year-old girl named Buffy is left in her care after losing her parents in a car accident. Aunt Fran drags the already traumatized child from Indiana to New York, and abandons her with a distant relative because her husband doesn’t like kids. She gives no thought to whether Buffy will be happy in her new home, or whether Bill has any clue on how to be a parent.

That would be heartless enough. But after Buffy is reunited with her siblings, and safely ensconced in Uncle Bill’s deluxe apartment in the sky, Fran returns. And, like the witch in Hansel & Gretel, she uses bribery and other nefarious means to lure the Davis children back into her evil clutches. Aunt Fran was TV’s worst parental figure until Walter White began cooking meth.

The Sleestaks

Land of the Lost

Ok, maybe they look a little silly now. But if you were the right age in 1974, the malevolent, reptilian Sleestaks creeped you out. The Marshall family’s adventures were played fairly straight in this Sid & Marty Krofft classic, so the threat from these bug-eyed monsters seemed genuine even if the violence remained well within Saturday morning TV standards. The reason you never saw more than three of them was that the Kroffts could only afford to make three costumes. And here’s some more Sleestak trivia – they were played by college basketball players, including future Detroit Pistons goon Bill Laimbeer. 

Miles Drentell

Thirtysomething

Sometimes monsters look just like the rest of us. And for anyone who has ever worked in an office, a boss like Miles Drentell will inspire more nightmares than every slasher movie ever made. Masterfully played by David Clennon, the amoral, sociopath ad man would delight in pitting employees against each other for his own amusement, and manipulating the honest (if somewhat whiny) Michael Steadman (Ken Olin) into compromising his principles to keep his paycheck.

In one of the series’ most memorable two-part stories, Michael and his friend and coworker Eliot try to wrest control of the agency away from their evil boss. Their plan fails. But rather than fire the mutineers, Miles keeps them around so he can devise further tortures for his favorite victims. 

Marv Hammerman

ABC Afterschool Special

There are two kinds of kids – the bullies and the bullied. Very few of us are fortunate enough to escape childhood without at least one traumatic altercation with someone who is bigger, stronger, or just meaner.

Stories about bullies are abundant in comfort TV sitcoms, from Lumpy Rutherford in Leave it to Beaver to Buddy Hinton on The Brady Bunch. But “Psst! Hammerman’s After You!” perfectly captured the impending dread over a confrontation with a sixth-grade executioner. Most of these stories end with the combatants finding a way to resolve their differences, but that cop-out would not do for an Afterschool Special.

Mrs. Peacock

The X-Files

The “Home” episode of The X-Files was notorious and with good reason. This was the first and only time this show was preceded by a viewer discretion warning, but it’s still inconceivable how this content got past network censors in 1996.

The story was twisted enough – Mulder and Scully are dispatched to Home, Pennsylvania, where a shallow grave has been discovered, containing a severely deformed infant. The investigation leads to a remote farmhouse inhabited by the sadistic, inbred Peacock brothers. But when the agents pull Mrs. Peacock out from under the bed, viewer garments were soiled across the nation. It’s a moment that ranks with the ending of Carrie as a jump out of your seat shock.

BOB

Twin Peaks

“He is BOB

Eager for fun

He wears a smile

Everybody run”

If an explanation is necessary, you’ve never watched Twin Peaks. Almost every scene of every episode was unsettling, particularly in the masterpiece-level first season. But in a handful of silent cameos, (taken together, they add up to less than one minute of screen time) BOB slithered into the nightmarish visions of several town residents, and scared the heck out of me as well. The horrific, savage murder of Maddy Ferguson by a grinning BOB may be the series’ most disturbing moment. 

The Serial Killer

Alfred Hitchcock Presents

There were many memorable episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, but none more suspenseful than “An Unlocked Window” from 1965. The premise is familiar – a serial killer who targets live-in nurses is on the loose. That understandably frightens two live-in nurses tending to an elderly patient in (of course) an isolated mansion in (of course) a remote part of town. On a stormy night, the killer calls the home and tells the nurses he’s on his way. The two nurses do what they can to secure the house, but one of them later discovers a basement window that nobody locked. The slow-building tension reaches a crescendo rarely equaled even by Hitchcock’s classic film work.

(Dis)Comfort TV #3: Five Classic Comfort TV Halloween Episodes

 

And now, after our detour last week into the bizarre world of the Paul Lynde Halloween Special, here are five more traditional Halloween shows to enhance your holiday celebration.

 “Halloween”

The Facts of Life

Was Edna’s Edibles inspired by Sweeney Todd? The Eastland girls begin to wonder if the ghost of the murderous Grisly Gertie has possessed Mrs. Garrett, especially after a kindly old man disappears from her kitchen. Did he become the secret ingredient in her famous Halloween bratwurst? Oh, if only they actually went there, and then used Edna’s hidden lust for homicide to explain the season one departures of Nancy, Sue Ann, Molly and Cindy. 

One of the trick-or-treating kids in this episode (the little girl dressed like Gretel from Hansel and Gretel) was played by Stefanie Ridel, who grew up to become a rock star in the band Wild Orchid, and later a television writer who penned three episodes of Hannah Montana.

“The One With the Halloween Party”

Friends

So much to like here – Monica as Catwoman confronting Phoebe, dressed as Supergirl; Lisa Kudrow reprising Phoebe’s vacuous sister, Ursula, and Ursula’s fiancé being played by Sean Penn, a reminder of just how prominent this series was in its heyday. And as with The Facts of Life we have yet another unexpected Hannah Montana connection – one of the trick-or-treaters here is played by Emily Osment.

A mid-episode discussion about which friends could beat up which other friends ends in an arm-wrestling match between Ross and Chandler, that will be familiar to anyone who has ever watched the series’ blooper reels. Note the very quick close-up of Chandler’s face – that’s the most they could salvage after several blown takes. 

“Twitch or Treat”

Bewitched

Halloween was a natural inspiration for Bewitched, which featured several holiday- themed episodes. This season 3 effort was my favorite thanks to the appearance of Uncle Arthur, who always brings out Samantha’s mischievous side. Watch how gleefully she participates in bamboozling her Councilman (summoned by Mrs. Kravitz, of course) before he can crash Endora’s Halloween party. 

Best moments: Arthur heckling Endora’s recitation of “Twas the Night Before Halloween,” and a cameo from baseball legend Willie Mays, who was outed as a warlock but still made the Hall of Fame.  

 “Halloween With the Addams Family”

The Addams Family

Every day is Halloween at the Addams residence, but the actual holiday always brings special surprises – in this case, two escaped bank robbers who take refuge in the Addams’ home until the coast is clear. After dodging the family lion and bobbing for live crabs, they realize they’d be safer in jail. Don Rickles plays one of the crooks.

What I love about the Addams family is how gracefully they treat every guest, regardless of the often-horrified reactions to their hospitality. Despite their eccentricities they remain one of the kindest and most open-minded families ever depicted on television. 

“The Gift of Life”

Wings

Wings remained consistently entertaining right through in its eighth and final season, and “The Gift of Life” is an underrated episode from an underrated series. When a medical courier leaves a cooler in the Nantucket airport, brothers Joe and Brian believe it contains a heart scheduled for transplant into a prominent politician. Actually, it contains an entirely different substance, to be used in the insemination of a horse. Best moment: The Hackett boys burst into a Boston hospital and announce, “Out of our way – what we have here belongs in a United States Senator!”

(Dis)Comfort TV #2: The Inspired Insanity of The Paul Lynde Halloween Special

 

Okay, change of plans.

Originally I intended to recommend five Halloween-themed episodes of comfort TV, and save Halloween specials for next week. But then I watched The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, and I can’t wait any longer to talk about it.

Sometimes you have to listen to your heart – or whatever vital organ responds most intensely to really, really weird television. 

Let’s hop into the WABAC machine and set the dial for 1976. This was the golden age of holiday specials, when Bing Crosby, Perry Como and Dean Martin were always there to wish us a Merry Christmas, and Kraft would unveil new holiday recipes rich in processed cheese during every commercial break. 

Paul Lynde decided to jump the competition by saluting Halloween, and cut out the middleman by integrating processed cheese into the actual show. The result is not Star Wars Holiday Special bad, but like that iconic disaster it has moments for which the only rational response is utter bewilderment.

We fade up on our confused host in a Santa Claus suit trimming a Christmas tree, followed by similar vignettes themed to Easter and Valentine’s Day. We then segue into an opening monologue that achieves the near impossible – making the usually hilarious Paul Lynde not funny.

That leads, as it always does in these specials, to a big dance number. Paul reprises the song he introduced on Broadway in Bye, Bye Birdie – “Kids” – with new Halloween-themed lyrics. The troupe of dancers is garbed in traditional Halloween costumes, including one of the creepiest looking clowns since Pennywise in Stephen King’s It. 

The number ends with Paul getting dumped into a trashcan by Donny and Marie Osmond.  And we’re not even at the weird stuff yet.

In the next scene Paul and his maid, played by Margaret Hamilton, arrive at the home of Margaret’s sister – Billie Hayes in full Witchiepoo makeup. That prompts Hamilton to don the costume of the character she made legendary – the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Watching these two witches trade punch lines is a remarkable event that will be savored by classic film and television fans. 

They are then joined by Miss Halloween of 1976 – Betty White – which somehow leads to Paul getting three wishes. His first wish, surprisingly, is to be a truck driver. Thus Paul is transformed into Ruby the Rhinestone Trucker, complete with costume from Liberace’s closet, for a series of CB radio jokes opposite Tim Conway. It is during this bit that both discover they are engaged to the same diner waitress, played by – wait for it – Roz “Pinky Tuscadero” Kelly. 

And just when you think this show could not possibly get any better, Margaret Hamilton suggests some quiet chamber music, and out comes KISS, in full makeup, to rip through an energetic (if lip-synched) “Detroit Rock City.”

 

Paul’s second wish is to be a wealthy sheik. In a flash he is transported to the Sahara Desert where he romances Florence Henderson, who by this time was wondering if she’ll ever be cast in a love scene opposite a straight actor.

For his third wish, Paul offers to take his two witchy friends anywhere they wish to go. Turns out the two hags have always dreamed about seeing a real Hollywood disco. Paul knows all about Hollywood discos (you bet he does), and we’re off to our final stop.  Florence Henderson returns for a disco version of “That Old Black Magic” and suddenly I was having Brady Bunch Variety Hour flashbacks. All that was missing was Fake Jan. 

As the festivities wind down, Paul says “Thank you for inviting us into your homes,” back when people said stuff like that on TV and made it sound sincere. And as the band cues up “Disco Lady,” viewers can only gaze in wonder at the assemblage of talent gathered for the finale; there’s Paul in his sparkly tuxedo, flanked by KISS and the Wicked Witch of the West. And there’s Pinky Tuscadero, Witchiepoo, Billy Barty and Mrs. Brady.

Savor that sight, because that’s what 1970s television was, kids – performers from different generations and genres inexplicably swept into each other’s orbits on a bizarre Pacific Princess cruise that we hoped would never end.

The Paul Lynde Halloween Special is available on DVD, and also on YouTube. Watch it. Study it. Make it a part of your holiday celebration. And if you’re still stuck for a Halloween costume, look no further for inspiration. 

(Dis)Comfort TV: Classic Halloween #1

 Sometime around 1995, Halloween hijacked the month of October. Last year, with the exception on one Munsters vs. Addams piece, Comfort TV sat out this annual tradition. But this year I’ve caught the spirit and will be offering recommendations on some classic Halloween episodes and some off-the-wall holiday specials.

This week, let’s take a look at five Comfort TV episodes that, while not specifically Halloween-themed, were still more frightening than a Miley Cyrus video.

“Living Doll”

The Twilight Zone

Choosing just one episode of The Twilight Zone for a piece on unsettling television is like trying to choose the worst episode of Small Wonder. There are just too many exceptional nominees. But even among such classic stories as “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet,” “Long Distance Call,” “The After Hours,” “Twenty Two” and “Eye of the Beholder,” the TZ story that lingered longest in my memory was “Living Doll.” Telly Savales played the abusive stepfather to a little girl who had a doll named Talky Tina. And Tina did not like Telly.

Do we need spoilers for a 50 year-old episode? If you haven’t seen it but are familiar with the Child’s Play movies, you probably have some idea where the story is going. Savales’s heightened desperation, an ominous Bernard Herrmann score and the voice of June Foray as Tina create an escalating mood of tension that plays with the viewer’s loyalties. We enjoy watching the mean old stepdad get his, but the zinger at the end of the episode suggests that Tina may have already chosen her next victim.

“Twilight Town”

Bonanza

As the title suggests, “Twilight Town,” seems inspired by The Twilight Zone. The episode opens with Little Joe (Michael Landon) being knocked unconscious by a horse thief, and wandering into the mysterious town of Martinville. At first, he thinks the town long abandoned, but gradually Joe discovers he is not alone. After being nursed back to health, he is urged to become Martinville’s new sheriff.

The scares come not from quick cuts to frightening images, but from the slow realization of being trapped in a nightmare, in which everything seems normal on the surface but not quite right if you look a little closer. The climax seems to provide a logical explanation for what happens to Joe, but then there’s a little twist at the end that blurs the line between what’s real and imaginary.

“Fright Night”

The Brady Bunch

Whether it was building houses of cards, or Greg running against Marsha for class president, the “boys vs. the girls” episodes of The Brady Bunch usually ranked among the series’ best. Here, a ghost in the backyard frightens Jan and Cindy. They later discover that their brothers created it. The three very lovely girls plot their revenge and the usual hijinks ensue.

Maybe some suspension of disbelief is required to believe that the cellophane ghost rising from the trunk could really be that terrifying. But the attic sequence is certainly fun, and there’s an amusing climax when all six kids put their differences aside and team up to scare Alice. Also, watch for Maureen McCormick’s amusingly unsuccessful attempt to pronounce the word “werewolves.” 

“The Ghost of A. Chantz”

The Dick Van Dyke Show

A reservation glitch at a mountain cabin lands Rob, Laura, Buddy and Sally in the same isolated cottage for one night, and strange things start to happen. Some of the scares are surprisingly intense for a breezy sitcom, particularly the sinister faces that appear in the mirrors.

Morey Amsterdam plays the Lou Costello role to perfection, and the mystery is resolved in an unexpected and satisfying manner. 

“Assignment #1”

Sapphire and Steel

There were just six episodes, aired between 1979 and 1982, but the British sci-fi series Sapphire and Steel still retains a loyal cult following, and has just been released for a second time on DVD. David McCallum and Joanna Lumley, both better known for other TV roles, play inter-dimensional agents assigned to correct any unnatural breaks in the timeline.

In the atmospheric first episode, Sapphire (Lumley) and Steel (McCallum) arrive at a remote 18^th century farmhouse to help two children whose parents have disappeared. The story unfolds over six half-hour episodes in which the two leads remain stubbornly enigmatic, and even brusque with the frightened kids they are ostensibly there to aid. The story is deliberately paced, which is usually a polite way of saying ‘slow.’ But if you have the patience for Jon Pertwee era Doctor Who, and don’t mind rudimentary visual effects in the service of intriguing stories and characters, the eerie, foreboding tone that emanates from this tale will draw you under its spell. 

Next week, I’ll look at five memorable episodes that were directly inspired by All Hallow’s Eve.

Comfort TV Goes Back to the Future

 

It is in our nature to wonder about the future. What will we be able to do in 20 or 50 years that we can’t do now? How will society change? How will technology evolve? 

So it’s not surprising that these speculations often found their way into television, obviously within the science fiction genre but also in comedies, dramas and animated series. One of the more fascinating aspects of watching classic television is looking at how the future was viewed by the shows of the past, now that that “future” has come and gone. 

How was the brave new world of the 1980s envisioned by people in the 1950s? There was an episode of The Donna Reed Show called “Explorers Ten,” in which Jeff and his friends form a club to talk about space exploration. A college astronomy professor tells the group that man will soon land on the moon, but there is a good chance that in their lifetimes the teenagers of the club will not just walk on the moon, they might visit Mars and Venus as well. Apparently they were pretty optimistic in the 1950s and early ‘60s. Hopefully that professor never got tenure.

Whenever a television series tried to depict the future, the two areas they always guessed on – and always got wrong – were couture and computers.

Why were the television writers of 50-60 years ago so certain that future generations would all want to dress in identical pajamas or one-piece jumpsuits? We’ve lost a lot of occupations to progress – gas station attendants, switchboard operators, milkmen – but fashion designer has not been one of them.

Computers have been around as long as television, and many accurately predicted they would become more sophisticated. But the assumption was always that they would have to be bigger to do so. Whenever you see a computer in a comfort TV series, it will always be an enormous floor model with a lot of blinking lights and two large spinning reels at the top. And if a character on the show asks the computer a question, it will respond either with a hokey electronic voice, made by an actor pinching his nose when he talks, or with a card that drops out of a slot after a cacophony of beeps like we used to hear on Mattel Electronic Football.

In retrospect, it is surprising that no one associated computer technology advancement with machines that would become smaller.

The sole exception to television’s poor track record at prognostication was Star Trek. The original Enterprise crew used communicators that resemble the cell phones we use now, and the diagnostic medical beds in Dr. McCoy’s sickbay have also been developed. On Star Trek: The Next Generation you will often see characters carrying communication tablets that perform many of the same functions our iPads do. With the advances now being made in 3D printing, even replicators may become reality.

Star Trek, of course, is the dream of what our future might look like. The nightmare can be experienced in any number of post-apocalyptic series, from Ark II and Planet of the Apes to Jericho and Revolution. And if you look at any list of shows set in the future, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of middle ground. We will either live in a futuristic fantasy world like The Jetsons, or be foraging for scraps in a primitive wasteland.

Neither one has happened yet. And given our genius for invention and our genius for stupidity, the future could still go either way. But look on the bright side – even if we find ourselves in the worst case scenario described in Ark II, at least we’ll have jet packs and chimpanzee scientists – not the worst tradeoff for Armageddon.  

 

Neat, Sweet, Groovy Songs: The Remarkable Story of Josie and the Pussycats

 

To the casual viewer of baby boom-era cartoons, Josie and the Pussycats was just one more Scooby-Doo facsimile to emerge from the Hanna-Barbera factory.

But despite a fleeting 16-episode run the series was actually a trailblazer on multiple fronts, and has maintained a high degree of name recognition more than 40 years after its debut, certainly more so than similar H-B series like Jabber Jaw or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids. 

Prominent female vocal groups date back to the 1950s, but girls that sang and played their own instruments? That was unprecedented in 1970 when the series debuted. Before the Go-Gos, the Bangles or the Runaways there was the Pussycats, feminist pop-rock pioneers.

Also rarely seen in 1970 – a cartoon series with an African-American character. Valerie banged the tambourines in Josie’s power trio, and was never depicted as a stereotype. In fact, she was the smartest member of the gang.

As any comic book fan knows, Josie and her Pussycats predate the Hanna-Barbera series by nearly a decade. They were created by Dan DeCarlo, one of the most talented artists of comics’ Golden Age. Though artists were not always credited by publishers back then, fans of Archie books always knew DeCarlo’ s pencils on sight, because no one ever drew a more enticing Betty and Veronica.

Josie first appeared in Archie’s Pals & Gals #23, published in 1962. DeCarlo modeled her on his wife Josette, who sported the same red bouffant hairstyle with blue hair bow. Josie was spun off into her own series the following year, joined by Melody and many of the other characters featured in the animated series.

For the first few years they were just another group of Riverdale teenagers. But then Dan and Josette DeCarlo went on a cruise to the West Indies, and one night there was a costume party. Dan dressed like a big game hunter, and Josette dressed like a cat with a leopard skin top, feline ears and a tail. Inspiration struck, and DeCarlo added a new element to the comic, renamed Josie and the Pussycats.

When it was adapted for television, the result was more Hanna-Barbera than Archie. Alan was a buffer version of Fred from Scooby-Doo. Alexander, voiced by Casey Kasem, was just as cowardly as Shaggy but with slightly better fashion sense. The stories likewise were right out of the “meddlin’ kids” playbook with a chase scene climax set to music, a custom that began in the second season of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

The difference was that in Josie the songs were much more than bland bubblegum filler. Since this would be a series about a rock band, the studio opted to take the musical component seriously. 

Janet Waldo (Josie), Jackie Joseph (Melody) and Barbara Pariot (Valerie) supplied the Pussycats’ voices for the series. But for the songs professional singers were recruited, starting with Patrice Holloway, a talented R&B vocalist and the sister of Motown star Brenda Holloway. As a teenager, Patrice co-wrote the Blood, Sweat & Tears hit “You’ve Made Me So Very Happy.” As a Pussycat, she sang lead on many of the group’s best songs, including “Every Beat of My Heart.” 

The other singing Pussycats were voiced by Cathy Dougher, a classically-trained vocalist, and Cherie Moor, who later joined another sexy trio under her married name of Cheryl Ladd.

The original plan was to include a live-action performance with Holloway, Dougher and Moor at the end of each series episode. How that might have changed the popularity or legacy of the show is anyone’s guess. However, they did appear on the cover of the group’s one and only album, released in 1970 and now going for big bucks on eBay.

Personally I think it’s a pretty terrific record (the songs have also been released on a Rhino CD, but that too is now out of print and pretty expensive). There’s a nice mix of the original songs featured on the show, with first-rate covers of The Carpenters’ “Close to You,” Bread’s “It Don’t Matter to Me,” Bobby Sherman’s “La La La” and the Jackson 5’s “I’ll Be There.”

My favorite Josie and The Pussycats song is “Inside, Outside, Upside Down,” a sunburst of glistening pop which I first owned on a 45 record, after sending in box tops from Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. Loved it then, love it now.

Following the original series, Hanna-Barbera created Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space, a passable but pale imitation of its predecessor. By then the music was no longer a priority, and it showed. The animated characters made one other appearance, in an episode of The New Scooby-Doo Movies.

But that still wasn’t the end of the Pussycats tail…er, tale. In 1995, Juliana Hatfield and Belly lead singer Tanya Donelly covered the Josie theme on the CD Saturday Morning. “I can’t say that Josie and the Pussycats is the reason I picked up a guitar,” Donelly said, “but I think the show contributed some Saturday morning positive reinforcement to a generation of potential female musicians.”

And in 2001, a film version was released starring Rachael Leigh Cook as Josie, Rosario Dawson as Valerie and Tara Reid as Melody. It flopped, but give it a chance if you missed it. It’s actually a pretty smart satire on the commercialization of music, and songs like “3 Small Words” are worthy editions to the Pussycats legacy.

Josie and the Pussycats make me happy. And that’s what comfort TV is supposed to do. Rock on, cats.

The 7 Least Intimidating Comfort TV Villains

 

Being a villain back in the Comfort TV era was not an easy gig. It’s hard to create a genuine air of menace when television was less compliant about sadistic violence and provocative language. Plus, TV being TV, the hero was going to win eventually because if he (or she) didn’t, the show would be over.

Still, some evildoers managed to put a scare into us, at least for an episode or two. I’ll post my list of the most intimidating Comfort TV villains sometime closer to Halloween, when we’re all in the mood for a good fright. But here, let’s look at seven vanilla villains who never forced anyone to sleep with the lights on.

Louis the Lilac

Batman

It was not surprising that Batman’s third season was it’s last, after two episodes in which the Dynamic Duo pitted their crime fighting skills against Milton Berle as Louis the Lilac. Louie wanted to control the minds of Gotham City hippies – not much of a plan as most of the hippies’ minds were already in an altered state. Sure, he once captured Batgirl, but then everybody captured Batgirl. She got tied up more than Nell Fenwick on Dudley Do-Right. 

Rogan

The Adventures of Superman

It’s hard to scare viewers at home if their first reaction is to bust out laughing. But that’s what happened in “The Perils of Superman,” one of the more memorable episodes of the classic 1950s Superman series. What other reaction is possible when you see master criminal Rogan and his two henchmen, garbed in identical business suits and giant bullet-shaped lead headpieces? The show also contained some hilariously ridiculous dialogue; when the gang captures Clark Kent and tells him he will be lowered into a vat of acid, Kent protests, “But…that’s illegal!” 

The Kandyman

Doctor Who

This venerable sci-fi series was clearly on the last gasp of its original run when it introduced a sugarcoated robot in a story called “The Happiness Patrol.” The Kandyman was one of far too many low points from the snakebitten Sylvester McCoy era.

The Jennifer Darling Fembot

The Bionic Woman

Jennifer Darling was a petite, winsome actress who specialized in playing plucky secretaries – first to Oscar Goldman on The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman, later to Tom Bradford on Eight is Enough. Even her name should be listed in Roget’s as a synonym for adorable. So when she tries to suggest lethal menace as a super-strong killer robot, it’s like watching someone be attacked by Kristin Chenoweth. 

Colonel Wilhelm Klink

Hogan’s Heroes

Mel Brooks proved that Nazis could be funny as long as they are utterly toothless and incompetent. That description certainly applies to the Kommandant of Stalag 13. Klink was an embarrassment to his allies and a joke to his adversaries, and probably did more than General Eisenhower to help the Germans lose World War II. Werner Klemperer’s inspired portrayal of Klink earned him two Emmy Awards for Best Supporting Actor.

Mariposa

Wonder Woman

Diminutive, mild-mannered Henry Gibson, garbed in a shiny purple jumpsuit, plays the ruler of a tiny island nation, who kidnaps the world’s top athletes and blackmails them into competing under his flag at the Olympics. This frankly insane episode was called “Screaming Javelins” and also featured Melanie Chartoff as a Russian gymnast and Rick Springfield as her boyfriend. Gibson’s take on Mariposa must be seen to be believed – he’s like some twisted offspring of Liberace and Julian Assange. 

Glitter Rock

ElectraWoman and DynaGirl

I have a confession – if I were forced to spend my remaining days on a desert island and could only take a handful of television shows with me, one of them would be this typically eccentric Sid & Marty Krofft creation – an episode pitting ElectraWoman and DynaGirl against a green-afroed rock musician who hypnotized people with his guitar. Check out the photo - even Freddie Mercury thinks this guy needs to tone it down. As a villain Glitter Rock wasn’t much. As a symbol of everything that was wonderful and terrible about the 1970s, he was unforgettable.