Okay, change of plans.
Originally I intended to
recommend five Halloween-themed episodes of comfort TV, and save Halloween
specials for next week. But then I watched The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, and I can’t wait any longer to talk about it.
Sometimes you have to
listen to your heart – or whatever vital organ responds most intensely to
really, really weird television.
Let’s hop into the WABAC
machine and set the dial for 1976. This was the golden age of holiday specials,
when Bing Crosby, Perry Como and Dean Martin were always there to wish us a
Merry Christmas, and Kraft would unveil new holiday recipes rich in processed
cheese during every commercial break.
Paul Lynde decided to jump the
competition by saluting Halloween, and cut out the middleman by integrating
processed cheese into the actual show. The result is not Star Wars Holiday
Special bad, but like that iconic disaster it has moments for which the only rational response is utter
bewilderment.
We fade up on our confused
host in a Santa Claus suit trimming a Christmas tree, followed by similar
vignettes themed to Easter and Valentine’s Day. We then segue into an opening
monologue that achieves the near impossible – making the usually hilarious Paul
Lynde not funny.
That leads, as it always
does in these specials, to a big dance number. Paul reprises the song he introduced on
Broadway in Bye, Bye Birdie – “Kids” – with new Halloween-themed lyrics. The
troupe of dancers is garbed in traditional Halloween costumes, including one
of the creepiest looking clowns since Pennywise in Stephen King’s It.
The number ends with Paul getting dumped into a
trashcan by Donny and Marie Osmond.
And we’re not even at the weird stuff yet.
In the next scene Paul and
his maid, played by Margaret Hamilton, arrive at the home of Margaret’s sister
– Billie Hayes in full Witchiepoo makeup. That prompts
Hamilton to don the costume of the character she made legendary – the Wicked Witch
of the West from The Wizard of Oz.
Watching these two witches trade punch lines is a remarkable event
that will be savored by classic film and television fans.
They are then joined by
Miss Halloween of 1976 – Betty White – which somehow leads to Paul getting
three wishes. His first wish, surprisingly, is to be a truck driver. Thus Paul
is transformed into Ruby the Rhinestone Trucker, complete with costume from
Liberace’s closet, for a series of CB radio jokes opposite Tim Conway. It is during
this bit that both discover they are engaged to the same diner waitress, played
by – wait for it – Roz “Pinky Tuscadero” Kelly.
And just when you think
this show could not possibly get any better, Margaret Hamilton suggests some
quiet chamber music, and out comes KISS, in full makeup, to rip through an
energetic (if lip-synched) “Detroit Rock City.”
Paul’s second wish is to be
a wealthy sheik. In a flash he is transported to the Sahara Desert where he
romances Florence Henderson, who by this time was wondering if she’ll ever be
cast in a love scene opposite a straight actor.
For his third wish, Paul
offers to take his two witchy friends anywhere they wish to go. Turns out the two hags have always dreamed about seeing a real Hollywood
disco. Paul knows all about Hollywood discos (you bet he does), and we’re off
to our final stop. Florence
Henderson returns for a disco version of “That Old Black Magic” and suddenly I
was having Brady Bunch Variety Hour
flashbacks. All that was missing was Fake Jan.
As the festivities wind
down, Paul says “Thank you for inviting us into your homes,” back when people
said stuff like that on TV and made it sound sincere. And as the band cues up
“Disco Lady,” viewers can only gaze in wonder at the assemblage of talent
gathered for the finale; there’s Paul in his sparkly tuxedo, flanked by KISS
and the Wicked Witch of the West. And there’s Pinky Tuscadero, Witchiepoo,
Billy Barty and Mrs. Brady.
Savor that sight, because
that’s what 1970s television was, kids – performers from different generations
and genres inexplicably swept into each other’s orbits on a bizarre
Pacific Princess cruise that we hoped would never end.
The Paul Lynde Halloween
Special is available on DVD, and
also on YouTube. Watch it. Study it. Make it a part of your holiday
celebration. And if you’re still stuck for a Halloween costume, look no further
for inspiration.
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