Seven TV Characters That Are Only Tolerable On Television

 

A few weeks ago, this blog celebrated (or, more accurately, overlooked celebrating) its ten-year anniversary. At first that seemed like a good topic for a piece, but then it began to feel too self-aggrandizing, especially since I am one of my least favorite subjects. So instead I’ll just say thank you to everyone who has stopped by, who visits often, who comments on the posts, and who bought any of my books. You are all very much appreciated. Now let’s get back to business as usual.

 

There is an interesting subset of television characters that viewers enjoy watching, but would never want to associate with if those characters were real.

 

Those that fit this description are almost always supporting characters, since building a series around a potentially unlikable lead rarely if ever works (see: My World and Welcome To It, Buffalo Bill). But it’s always more interesting when characters we like run into nosy neighbors or sponging friends or annoying coworkers. Like whom, you ask? Glad you asked…

 

Eddie Haskell

Leave it To Beaver

If there were an official name for these types of characters, it would be Haskells, after the young man that first personified them to the classic TV landscape. 

 

Wally’s ne’er-do-well friend Eddie was a lecherous instigator and troublemaker, who rarely calls anyone by their actual names. But as soon as Wally’s mom appears he turns into a perfect young gentleman. “Good morning, Mrs. Cleaver. That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing. I was just telling Wallace how delightful it would be if Theodore could accompany us to the movies.” He appears in about half of the show’s episodes and was always good for a laugh – as long as he stays on his side of the television screen.

 

Lt. Philip Gerard

The Fugitive

Whenever Gerard shows up in a Fugitive episode it means, as it’s said in the modern parlance, sh** just got real. Dr. Kimble is going to have to suffer even more and work that much harder to avoid the clutches of the police detective obsessed with his capture. But that quest, as we see throughout the series, risks destroying Gerard’s marriage and his relationship with his son. 

 

Anyone that single-minded is not going to be good company for very long – you can just imagine him bringing every conversation around to the one crusade that gives his life meaning.

 

You: “Hi, Phil, good to see you. We just got back from California. The kids loved spending time at the beach.”

 

Gerard: “The beach…I once tracked Kimble to Santa Barbara, he was using the name Jeff Cooper then….”

 

You: “Then we went to this amusement park…”

 

Gerard: “That reminds me of when Kimble was working at a gift shop at Santa Monica Pier. I was too late then….”

 

You: “Yeah…okay. Good seeing you, Phil.”

 

Gerard: “Kim-BLE!”

 

And so it goes. The episodes he’s in are usually guarantees of an exciting hour. Hanging out with the guy…not so much.

 

Wally Plumstead

The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet

Everybody likes Wally, David and Ricky’s college fraternity brother on The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, but it’s hard to figure out why. 

 

He never has any money, despite never paying back the money he borrows from everyone. He’s a bad student, he bullies the freshmen in his fraternity, he eats like a horse on everyone else’s dime, and he treats his girlfriend Ginger horribly. But as a viewer it’s impossible to hate the guy, cause actor Skip Young is just too likable. His infectious laugh can be heard in more than 120 episodes of this treasured series, and I’m always happy to see him. But if I saw Wally coming my way on the sidewalk, I’d hide my wallet and run for the hills.

 

Ann Marie

That Girl

I know I said in the intro to this piece that characters fitting this description are rarely leads, but in this case it’s not that Ann Marie was unlikable – she was often effervescent and delightful – but she was also exhausting. Would I enjoy lunch with her? Sure. But looking back at what she put poor Donald through in five seasons would give any guy pause about a closer relationship. 

 

Take the episode “Secret Ballot,” in which Ann and Donald arrive in New York City after a two-hour drive from her parents’ home in Brewster, and then have to drive right back up because Ann forgot her purse. Ann’s parents are out for a walk when they arrive, and the house is locked. Ann decides to climb a tree and enter through her bedroom window on the second floor – and then she gets stuck up the tree. She tells Donald to trek over to the fire station to get a ladder. He begins to leave, stops, and then looks up at Ann and asks, “If I were to turn and walk away from here, never to return, would you understand?” Yes, Donald, we would.

 

Howard Borden

The Bob Newhart Show

I’ve never lived in an apartment building, so I don’t know how common it is for tenants living next to each other to drop by unexpectedly at any time, day or night. But even where this might be routine, a neighbor like Howard abuses the privilege. Usually he enters Bob and Emily’s apartment without knocking, and usually he’s either there to borrow something or to get a free meal. Bob’s soft-spoken tolerance of his neighbor’s numerous quirks was certainly a product of the understanding way he handles his patients. Only a qualified psychologist could live next door to Howard and not lose his marbles. He even let the guy date his sister! Thankfully, she eventually dodged that bullet. 

 

 

Hank Kimball

Green Acres

I’ve always described Hooterville county agent Hank Kimball as a personification of government bureaucracy. 

 

He ostensibly serves as a source for important information, but offers nothing of value. He has a lot to say but none of it is helpful. As a fan of this series I smile every time Alvy Moore arrives to raise Oliver’s blood pressure with his nonsensical ramblings. His scenes are never not funny. But if I were a farmer who needed help with planting or harvesting or pest control, and he was the best local source of professional assistance available, I’d probably want to strangle him as much as Oliver does. 

 

 

Angel Martin

The Rockford Files

This is the one time when viewers might get as fed up with the character in question as Rockford does. Personally I never liked the Angel episodes but I know plenty of fans that do, and Stuart Margolin won two Emmys for his portrayal of Jim’s old cellmate. Angel was a weasel, pure and simple.  Smart people would avoid him like Monkeypox. But Rockford just can’t quit him, as much as he probably wishes he could. 

 

 

The Ten Funniest Situation Comedy Episodes By Decade: the 1970s

The 1970s are still my favorite Comfort TV comfort zone, not because the shows were inherently better but because they were the ones that I watched through my formative years.

It was an era that introduced some of television’s best situation comedies, including several that pushed the envelope on what could be said, shown or implied in prime time. Here are my picks for the decade’s ten funniest episodes.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

“Chuckles Bites the Dust” (1975)

“A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants”

I’ve never read the script David Lloyd wrote for this episode, but for the funeral scene I can’t imagine it gave Mary Tyler Moore any more to work with than “Mary tries to suppress her laughter.” And look at the magic she created from such a simple directive. That scene is justifiably famous but the whole episode is brilliant, from Lou and Murray swapping tasteless jokes about Chuckles’ demise to Ted’s on-air obituary: “I'd like to think that somewhere, up there tonight, in his honor, a choir of angels is sitting on whoopee cushions.”

All in the Family

“Sammy’s Visit” (1972)

When high profile stars visit a situation comedy, they tend to pull so much focus that the episode becomes more about them than the show’s regular characters. One of the great achievements of “Sammy’s Visit” is how it brings Sammy Davis. Jr. and the working class Bunkers together in a believable way, and then finds the right balance to distribute the content and the laughs equally. Kirk and Uhura may have shared TV’s first interracial kiss, but the one in this episode is much more memorable.  

The Bob Newhart Show

“Over the River and Through the Woods” (1975)

“More goo to go!”

It’s regrettable that drunk scenes have become yet another casualty of our enlightened age. Once they were to great comic actors what a hanging curve ball was to a .300 batter – a golden opportunity to hit one out of the park. That’s what happened when Bob Newhart, Bill Daily, Jack Riley and Peter Bonerz were handed a scene in which their characters get sloshed over Thanksgiving. They hit their rhythm early and for ten minutes set-ups and punch lines are served and volleyed with perfect timing and precision. When it all comes together like this, there’s nothing better. 

Fawlty Towers

“Gourmet Night” (1975)

I’m not sure if a British show should be eligible, but how can Fawlty Towers be left off any list of the funniest situation comedies? The question then becomes which of its 12 amazing episodes to select. “The Germans” might be the most obvious choice, with Basil’s constant references to the war he’s not supposed to mention, and that unforgettable long-limbed goosestep, but I’ve always been partial to “Gourmet Night.” It’s a classic farce that builds to a feverish climax in which Basil yells at and then beats up his car. The final line is perfect. 

The Odd Couple

“Password” (1972)

“Aristophanes…”

Oscar is invited to be a celebrity guest on Password, and self-proclaimed expert Felix, who owns two copies of the Password home game (one for his car) pleads to be picked as his partner. The results are predictably disastrous (and hilarious), and are made even more memorable by the range of reactions from guest stars Allen Ludden and Betty White. 

 Taxi

“Reverend Jim: A Space Odyssey” (1979)

“What…does…a…yellow…light…mean?”

When an episode is so funny that even the cast can’t contain their laughter, it deserves to be here. During the famous driving test scene, Christopher Lloyd and Jeff Conaway keep repeating the "What does a yellow light mean?" joke and it kills every time. By the third run-through, Marilu Henner and Tony Danza can clearly be seen laughing when their characters are supposed to be frustrated.

Laverne & Shirley

“Guinea Pigs” (1977)

The girls are invited to a fancy cocktail party but can’t afford the $20 admission. To earn the money they volunteer at the Institute for Behavioral Sciences – Shirley is only allowed to eat dirt as part of a nutrition study, while Laverne is deprived of sleep. They make it to the bash, and what follows is more than five minutes of non-stop laughs. Timeless episodes like this and “The Diner” are why, out of all the Garry Marshall ‘70s sitcoms, Laverne & Shirley has aged the most gracefully. 

Rhoda

“Rhoda’s Wedding” (1974)

This two-part episode would be memorable just for the milestone referenced in the title and the Mary Tyler Moore Show crossover cast appearances. But this is also the rare “event” show that is also among the best written of the entire series run. 

Green Acres

“The Case of the Hooterville Refund Fraud” (1970)

Green Acres just kept getting nuttier with each passing season, and yes, that’s a compliment. I could try to summarize the plot of “The Case of the Hooterville Refund Fraud” but it won’t do the episode justice: the town folk receive an unexpected (and undeserved) windfall and Mr. Haney convinces them to invest in monkey racing, in which little monkeys race around a track chasing after a wooden banana. Some things are better experienced than described.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

“Ted Baxter’s Famous Broadcasters School” (1975)

We started with this series so we’ll end here as well. The idea of Ted lending his name to a school of broadcasting is already funny; the fact it was a scheme floated by a con artist is even funnier, but the best part is when the WJM news team show up for the first class and find only one student in the room. On the short list of things that always make me laugh, there is Ted singing the school’s theme song, and Lou Grant’s Ralph Kramden-like reaction. 

Next: The 1980s

The Ten Funniest Situation Comedy Episodes By Decade: The 1960s

The 1960s was the last decade in which situation comedies favored idealized versions of American life. There would be send-ups of current events, from the British invasion to the spy craze, but the humor was always more sweet than cynical, mischievous instead of mean. That was probably a relief to many Americans as the turbulent decade progressed away from the staid status quo of the 1950s into an era of war, assassinations and political turmoil.  

These were the funniest sitcom episodes of the decade. As with the 1950s list, a two-show per series limit still applies – which sadly renders ineligible about 30 more episodes of Get Smart.

The Dick Van Dyke Show

“The Curious Thing About Women” (1962)

While this list is not a top-ten ranking, I wanted this episode to be first because for me it was not just another hilarious show in a brilliant series. Watching it first in syndication as a kid, and many times thereafter, my future career aspirations were inspired by the office scene where Rob, Sally and Buddy develop an unremarkable event (Laura opening Rob’s mail before he gets a chance to read it) into a classic comedy sketch. I can’t think of another scripted moment on TV where the abundant joy of creativity that writers occasionally experience was more perfectly expressed. The scenes with Mary Tyler Moore and the inflatable raft were pretty funny too. 

Bewitched

“The Joker is a Card” (1965)

“Yaga-Zoo-Zee, Yaga-Zoo-Zee, Yaga-Zoo-Zee-Zim!”

Paul Lynde makes his first appearance as Samantha’s practical joke-obsessed Uncle Arthur, and it’s one for the ages. Every moment he’s in this is perfect, especially when he offers to teach Darrin a spell to put Endora in her place. The payoff scene is as celebrated a moment as Bewitched ever produced. 

Get Smart

“Mr. Big” (1965)

Everything that made Get Smart one of the funniest series from any decade was already in place in its first episode, written by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry. You got your shoe phone, your Cone of Silence, and a villain sure to incite offense in humorless defenders of political correctness. 

The Lucy Show

“Lucy and Viv Build a Shower” (1963)

While Vivian Vance would remain with The Lucy Show for another two seasons, this episode features the final classic physical comedy sequence that she and Lucy would share. They worked so well together by this time that the shower scene was not even rehearsed before it was filmed. 

Green Acres

“Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You” (1965)

The first season of Green Acres features one long story arc as Oliver and Lisa Douglas leave New York for Hooterville, so Oliver can pursue his farm livin’ dreams. Every episode brings more surreal frustration; here, having just mastered the generator in the previous episode (“You can’t have a 2 with a 6”), he now finally gets his phone installed – at the top of a telephone pole outside his bedroom window. 

The Andy Griffith Show

“The Big House” (1963)

“Here at the rock we have two basic rules…the first rule is…obey all rules.”

Whether it’s Andy or Opie and Aunt Bee or Floyd or even Otis, whomever you meet in Mayberry will make you feel welcome. But if you’re looking for laughs, the episodes featuring Don Knotts’ as Barney Fife cannot be topped. In “The Big House,” the state police temporarily lodge two hold-up men in Mayberry’s jail, allowing Barney to play hard-boiled lawman. They promptly escape – not once but three times. 

Get Smart

“A Man Called Smart, Part 1” (1967)

Of course you’ll want to watch all three parts of this story, which was originally intended for theatrical release. But it’s the first installment that features a masterpiece of slapstick comedy starring Don Adams, a stretcher and a revolving door. Adams, whose distinct voice and catchphrases were a big part of the show’s success, never utters a word throughout the sequence, and still earns huge laughs. There is also an innovative opening chase scene that portends Adams’ association with Inspector Gadget. 

The Dick Van Dyke Show

“Coast-to-Coast Big Mouth” (1965)

The first episode of the show’s fifth and final season contains the most memorable of Carl Reiner’s always-welcome appearances as Alan Brady. The story has Laura going on a game show and getting tricked into revealing that Brady is bald. Rob’s horrified reaction is hilarious, but the highlight finds Laura trying to save her husband’s job. Her confrontation with Alan, as he sits glowering at his desk behind a display of now-useless hairpieces, remains one of the series’ best moments. 

The Beverly Hillbillies

“The Giant Jackrabbit” (1963)

This is probably the most famous episode out of nine seasons, and while I could make a good argument for a few other classics this is one time where I’m content to follow the crowd. The ‘A’ plot has Granny in full Wile E. Coyote mode, trying to trap a kangaroo she mistakes for a jackrabbit. The ‘B’ plot has the Clampetts trying to order food from a caterer – in the annals of funny one-sided phone conversations, this one is up there with the best of the master, Bob Newhart. 

Hogan’s Heroes

“Will the Real Adolf Please Stand Up?” (1966)

Hogan’s Heroes took the evil sting out of the German army through the bumbling antics of Col. Klink and Sgt. Schultz – but what would happen if the neutered Nazis ever met their fuhrer? Here, Sgt. Carter impersonates Hitler, to distract the commandant while Hogan smuggles secret plans to the underground. Larry Hovis creates the funniest take on one of history’s worst monsters since The Producers. 

Next: The 1970s

The Museum of Comfort TV Salutes: The Hoyt-Clagwell Tractor

 

Imagine a place where all of the instantly recognizable objects associated with classic television are on display. It doesn’t exist so we’ll create it here, and pay tribute to many of our favorite Comfort TV things.

Greek mythology tells of Sisyphus, who was condemned to the underworld for his sins and forced to push a heavy boulder up a steep hill, only to have it roll back down as soon as he finished the job.

Where Sisyphus had his boulder, Oliver Wendell Douglas had his Hoyt-Clagwell tractor. 

Both men were cursed to repeatedly have their day’s labor undone by cruel fate (and in Oliver’s case, deficient factory standards). His noble attempts to uphold the tradition of the American farmer he so admired were no match for an ancient derelict vehicle that would fall apart if you tried to ride it, or start it, or even sometimes if you just looked at it the wrong way.

It was Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, who described Green Acres as the story of Oliver Douglas in hell. Everything about life in Hooterville bedeviled him at one time or another, from his wife Lisa’s “hotscakes,” also suitable as an afterlife punishment, to the agricultural guidance he received from county agent Hank Kimball, the ideal personification of government bureaucracy.

But Oliver’s Hoyt-Clagwell surpassed mere incompetence to verge on outright malevolence, like a rural version of Stephen King’s ‘Christine.’ Even Mr. Haney, who sold Oliver the tractor, couldn’t control it. In one episode Eb recalled how it used to chase Haney across the field; even on those rare occasions when it’s moving, this tractor cannot be trusted. 

I don’t believe it ever chased Oliver, though my Green Acres recollection is not without gaps. I do recall it catching fire, losing wheels, losing its steering wheel, and nearly electrocuting its owner during an attempted battery jump. In the season one episode “Neighborliness,” Oliver tries to attach the tractor to a plow. That didn’t go well, either.

I love the name “Hoyt-Clagwell” because it sounds authentic. Of course, no such company ever existed – and even in the fictional world of Hooterville it had long since passed into history. When Oliver went to Drucker’s General Store to order replacement parts, Sam Drucker told him that Hoyt-Clagwell closed after Mr. Hoyt left the tractor business to make plastic fruit.

The tractor that was immortalized as a Hoyt-Clagwell was actually (according to multiple sources) a 1918 Fordson Model F, and in its day was considered a miracle of modern machinery. That is, when it wasn’t flipping over because of poor weight distribution. The wheels tended to break as well – talk about perfect casting.

Before I began researching this piece, I was not aware that Ertl Toys, makers of die-cast models of many classic TV vehicles, had also made a Hoyt-Clagwell tractor. Now I want one. 

Of course, we are proud to have the original here in the museum. For your own safety, however, just don’t get too close.