Comfort TV To Five Annoying Sitcom Kids: Get Off My Lawn

I’m in the midst of watching a new DVD release of an old TV show I’ve never seen before – a “Purchase or Pass” review about that series will appear in the blog next week. I mention it here because, as I started viewing the first couple of episodes, I took an instant dislike to one of the kids in the cast.

Does that sound awful?

It happens sometimes, with characters of all ages. It’s certainly not an aversion to TV children in general – most have made indelible contributions to their respective series. Even at my advanced age I wish I were as cool as Jeff Stone (Paul Petersen) on The Donna Reed Show.

If the task at hand is to single out five annoying kids, there is an easy way to do it -  focus on characters that were cast in the waning seasons of a series headed toward cancellation, such as Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch, Quinn Cummings on Family and Brian Bonsall on Family Ties. These actors faced the daunting task of bringing new viewers into a sagging series, while disrupting an on-screen family dynamic that was working fine before they got there. 

But that would be cheating. Instead, here are five choices that were part of their shows from the very first episode.  They all still get on my nerves.

Kathy (Kitten) Anderson

Father Knows Best

Anyone who thinks the children on 1950s sitcoms were all perfectly behaved automatons has never watched Lauren Chapin as the Andersons’ youngest daughter. She was TV’s first spoiled brat, prone to whining and temper tantrums when she didn’t get her way. 

Chapin barreled into nearly every scene she was in, projecting her lines at extra high-volume, and in episodes like “The Promised Playhouse” her character shows an utter disregard for the feelings of her parents and her siblings. 

Father Knows Best aired for six seasons, enough time for Kitten to outgrow some of her less appealing traits. And she did have some moving moments in “Kathy’s Big Chance,” which featured a memorable guest appearance by the ever-graceful and elegant Greer Garson. But generally, when I feel like revisiting this series, any episode with Kathy’s name in the title is likely going to be skipped.  

Ross Lane

The Patty Duke Show

It’s hard to figure out what purpose Ross served on this series, or even if he had one. He seems like an afterthought even among members of his own family.

Just six of the show’s 106 episodes focus on Ross. That’s a sign that the writers realized the character wasn’t working. He’s still in most of the shows, but usually turns up only to deliver a cheap shot at his sister. To be fair, she doesn’t seem to care much for him either. 

What made this show special was the remarkable performance of Patty Duke as cousins Patty and Cathy Lane. She received able support from William Schallert and Jean Byron in the parent roles. And then there’s Paul O’Keefe as Ross, who…was also there. I’ll give him this much though: he was the only member of this Brooklyn Heights family who actually had a New York accent.

Richie Petrie

The Dick Van Dyke Show

Richie, played by Larry Matthews, is the least annoying character on this list, though I could do without his tendency to run yelling out of a room. But like Ross Lane he is rarely featured, and even when a story revolved around Richie, it focused more on how his parents reacted to the situation. 

In “Washington vs. The Bunny,” Rob is torn between a business trip for his boss and attending a school play in which Richie plays a bunny. In “Where Did I Come From?” Richie asks that provocative question to his parents. In “A Word a Day” the Petries get a call from Richie’s principal, reporting that their son used a curse word in school. In “What’s In a Middle Name?” Richie wonders why his middle name is Rosebud.

All of these episodes are classics because the kid kicks off the plot and then fades into the background amidst hilarious dream sequences, flashbacks, and parental debates.

When he is featured more, such as a show like “Never Name a Duck,” the results are not as favorable. And his shaky, off-key performance of “The Little Drummer Boy” is the only part of the series’ Christmas episode you’ll want to skip.  

Julie Cooper

One Day At a Time

Oh, good lord, the yelling. Somebody please make it stop. Julie was a drama queen who never missed an opportunity to make her mother’s life more stressful.

Ann Romano already had enough challenges with starting over after a divorce, getting a job, and raising two daughters on her own. Julie was old enough to be sympathetic to her struggles, yet she couldn’t get past her own issues – and there were lots of them: jealousy, self-centeredness, terrible taste in boyfriends, truancy, gullibility, and more teenage angst than all six Bradys and all eight Bradfords put together. 

My favorite Julie moment happened in “The Runaways” – a four-episode story that follows Julie and latest loser boyfriend Chuck, as they set out to make it on their own. When Ann pleads with Julie to stay, her defiant daughter quotes a list of unreasonable terms before she’ll agree to do so. “Okay, Julie,” Ann responds. “Go.” Both Bonnie Franklin and Mackenzie Phillips play the moment beautifully, and the audience applause reveals which side they’re on. 

Wesley Crusher

Star Trek: The Next Generation

There’s a reason why “Shut up, Wesley” may be the most famous quote from this series in seven seasons.

It’s become cliché to bash Wesley so there’s not much I can add to this topic. And to be fair Wil Wheaton plays the character well and does figure prominently in several great episodes, including “Final Mission” and “The First Duty.” He’s also featured in a couple of the show’s worst installments: “The Dauphin” and “Evolution.”

The annoyance with Wesley emerges mostly from stories that have him discovering solutions to life-or-death perils ahead of seasoned officers, including Data, an android with a total linear computational speed of 60 trillion operations per second. That just shouldn't happen - and certainly not more than once.  

And if that wasn’t enough, he is recruited by a superior alien race because he is “special” to ascend to a higher form a life. I quote a contributor to IMDB: “In light of what an annoying idiot he’s become, there is no way ANYONE could believe this!!”

No wonder there are fans who, when Wesley was sentenced to death in the first season episode “Justice,” still wish that sentence was carried out. Beverly would have gotten over it eventually.

P.S. Since I limited myself to Comfort TV era characters, I could not also call out Dawn on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Maddie on Nashville, and Connor on Angel. But they are all just as awful.