Three Shows That Put Me to Sleep

I have a friend who likes to pop in a Flintstones DVD before he drifts off to sleep. The familiar sounds of voices and stories he grew up watching induce a calm, soothing feeling that makes it easier to doze off.

That technique has never worked for me. When I fall asleep on a show, it’s not a compliment to the happy memories associated with it.

Very few shows have elicited this response. Even with a series or an episode that’s just not working, I can usually find something to focus on that makes the effort worthwhile. But with these, there was just no escape.

1. Space: 1999 (1975-1977)

No other television series from any era or genre can knock me out faster than this one. 

I know it has many devoted fans, and I don’t wish to disparage their affection for what was certainly an ambitious attempt at serious sci-fi, with an impressive cast and pedigree. 

According to Wikipedia, Space: 1999 was the most expensive series produced for British television up to that time. Maybe that was one of the problems – they really wanted to show off where the money went, so they lingered over every futuristic white-on-white set, and showed every spaceship takeoff and landing in real time, though it made no contribution to the story.

"Scarcely any attention was paid in the scripts to the real character of those people in Space: 1999,” series costar Barry Morse told Starlog magazine back in 1995. “Unfortunately, in my opinion, although immense attention was paid to the special FX- the models, explosions, all that - hardly any attention was paid to the actual human characters.” He was right.

I tried several times to get into this show, because I like Martin Landau and Barbara Bain, and I found some of creator Gerry Anderson’s earlier British sci-fi efforts (like UFO) to be quirky fun.

It never took, but a few months ago I bought the complete series Blu-ray set to give it one more chance.

I stayed conscious through episode one, “Breakaway,” in which the moon was blown out of earth’s orbit, taking the 300 or so denizens of Moonbase Alpha on an unexpected odyssey. And I hung in there for “Black Sun,” with its doomsday scenario and trippy ending right out of Kubrick’s 2001.

But “A Matter of Life and Death”, about the danger from a giant yellow space eyeball? That eye stayed open longer than mine. And I also fell asleep about 20 minutes into “Earthbound,” in which Christopher Lee had room on his spaceship to bring one of the Alpha crew back to earth. Though I did wake up in time for the Twilight Zone-like climax, which I had already guessed anyway.

And so it went. It’s still amazing to me how Mattel merchandised the heck out of this series, as its dull stories and bland characters could hardly have been that appealing to the age group most likely to buy a Commander Koenig action figure. 

They had to know they had a slow-moving show; I think that’s why the opening credits were compiled with a lot of quick cuts of movement to suggest there’s more action than there was – plus those “this episode” reminders within smacked of desperation – “Please don’t change the channel – look at what you’re going to miss!”

Yes, they lightened the tone in the second and final season, with more romance and humor and the addition of Catherine Schell as shapeshifter Maya, who usually looked like she just popped in from Las Vegas. That made it a different show, but not a better one. 

2. Planet of the Apes (1974)

In 1973, CBS paid $1 million for first broadcast rights to the film Planet of the Apes. It was money well-spent, as the broadcast drew an amazing 60 share. That was enough to green-light a series featuring two new astronauts who crash-land in our simian-ruled future. Episodes followed the adventures of Pete Burke (James Naughton) and Alan Virdon (Ron Harper) as they tried to find a way back to their own era, while staying one step ahead of Dr. Zaius (Booth Colman) and General Urko (Mark Lenard). Roddy McDowall played Galen, the humans’ only ally among the apes. 

The opening credits sequence is still pretty cool. The show, not so much. Most stories could be summarized like this: astronauts get captured; astronauts escape. Still could have worked if I cared about the leads, but Harper and Naughton were not exactly Starsky and Hutch when it came to chemistry and camaraderie. More like Coy and Vance Duke, sadly. Bad reviews and a bad time slot sank it after 14 episodes.  

3. QVC Before the Millennium

The shopping channels are Comfort TV to a lot of viewers, and for me this was the closest experience I could find to relaxing to The Flintstones like my friend does. It doesn’t work anymore because today QVC and HSN are all about guests and harder sells, but 20 years ago the shows had one host that talked soothingly and directly to viewers, like Mr. Rogers if he was trying to sell the stuff in his house. It was nice, especially if like me you had no interest in the products. Then you could just drift off gently to descriptions of leather espadrilles and marcasite jewelry. QVC cured my insomnia for a while, and then they had to hire Lisa Robertson, who was arguably the most beautiful woman on television in the 1990s. So much for sleep.